Dealing With Gender Dysphoria
Gender dysphoria is a feeling of discomfort when the sex you were assigned at birth doesn’t match your gender identity. It can cause you to feel anxious, depressed, to withdraw from being around other people, or to even hurt yourself.
However, there are ways to deal with it.
Our Medical Transition posts deal with things like hormones and surgery, and our post on Deed Polls deals with how to legally change your name.
Here, we’ll get into the social changes you can make to lower your dysphoria as much as possible, where social changes are also often reversible if you decide something doesn’t feel right to you.
Choosing a Name
Deadnames are your old name, or birth name, that you don’t feel comfortable being used to refer to you anymore. Normally, trans people change their first name and keep their last name, sometimes changing their middle name if it doesn’t fit with their gender identity.
You can change your name as many times as you like- even if it’s not the first time you’ve changed it. It’s up to you to keep exploring and finding names that you feel suit you best.
People don’t technically have a ‘legal’ name in the UK, but if you want to change it in places you already exist – you’ll need a Deed Poll.
You can change your first, middle, and last name if you want, but last names are normally kept because they’re familial and hold some emotional value for that reason.
If you want to distance yourself from things in your past that are painful, like a horribly transphobic family, changing your last name can do that.
You don’t really need a reason to change any part of your name – do what feels right to you. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone, although there are people who will just be genuinely curious without any ill intent. You still don’t have to explain your past, or your trans history, to anyone who asks, if you’re not comfortable with doing so.
Common last names make it harder for people to Google you and find out about your past, as well as just changing the spelling of any part of your name.
If you wanted to go completely stealth, then changing your last name is wise to really prevent people from being able to find out too much about you through the Internet.
Summary of your options:
Only changing one part of your name – To distinguish who you are now compared to who you used to be without changing everything.
Take a different family name – A name from someone like your great grandparents, for example.
Choose a brand-new last name - If you don’t want to be associated with your family for any reason, or an old marriage, you can change your whole last name.
Use initials only – If you wanted your name to look more androgynous or be easier to write down.
Feminize or masculinize your old name – An easier option if you don’t like any names you’ve found online.
Androgynous names – If you don’t identify with a binary gender, although if you do identify as male or female, this might make it more difficult for people to gender you correctly if you’re early into your transition and might not pass very well.
Nicknames – People might already be calling you a certain nickname, so using that name legally might just make sense for you.
Questions to ask yourself:
Is your name easy to spell? – You don’t want to make things more difficult when you have to write your down name for official purposes, or, you know, if you want someone to get your coffee order right.
Is your name easy to say? – It’s easier for everyone if your name isn’t too complicated to pronounce.
Will it cause issues if you use something that has negative connotations to the people you know? – Like the name of an ex-friend or old partner.
Is your name right for the generation you were born in? – You can choose something from an older generation like ‘Susan,’ but it might sound a bit outdated.
Does the name incidentally remind anyone of something famous? – Like a really famous character or a trademarked company - such as choosing the last name Meta.
How does the name look written down? – Does it feel right to you when you see it on paper?
Do your new initials spell something inappropriate when written down? – That’d be awkward in a professional setting.
Good websites with examples of names to choose from:
Trans-and-baby-names on Tumblr who suggests names for you personally.
Transgender-name-help on Tumblr.
Unisex names - It’s a baby name website… sorry!
Give the people around you some time to adjust to your new name, as people can genuinely make mistakes but then (hopefully) quickly correct themselves.
If it takes actual years, if they’re being incredibly rude or defensive about it, then maybe it’s time to have a talk with them about your boundaries, or distance yourself from them if they continue to hurt you and it feels like it’s on purpose, or they haven’t made the effort to really change.
Overall, experimenting with names is a great way to lower dysphoria, whilst also finding a new sense of self and forging a new identity that fits you more than the one you’re expected to be from birth.
Binders
Binders are a way of flattening the chest, if you’re transitioning from female to something else. They’re reversible because when you’re not wearing them your chest isn’t flat, so you can just take them off and everything should feel and look the same as it was before, making them semi-permanent.
There are many well-known brands in both the UK and the US that are safe for people to buy binders from.
There are definitely right and wrong ways to bind, like never binding when swimming or exercising, for example. Always using a binder that’s not too loose or too tight, not wearing a binder to sleep or for more than 8 hours, things like that.
We’ve already talked about binders in this post, and it’s over on the Medical Transition blog because it can impact your physical health if done wrong.
Packing
Packing is a way of creating the appearance of a bulge in the underwear, to emulate the look of a penis, normally done by people transitioning from female to male, or people assigned female at birth.
You don’t have to use a packer at all – it’s up to personal preference and what you might want to use it for. They’re mostly used to reduce dysphoria, but not everyone has lower dysphoria or feels the need to pack.
Packers can also be used to pass better as male in public, although people rarely look at bulges to decide whether someone is female or male, and it can be considered quite rude to do so.
There are various ways of attaching a packer, and different packers have different functions.
DIY packers can be made from things like socks, if you’re just starting your transition and don’t know if you’ll like packing in general, and also don’t want to spend a large amount of money on packing right away.
Soft packers are incredibly realistic in appearance and come in various colors and sizes. They need to be held in place by tight underwear, a jock-strap, or a harness. Cornstarch or talc powder are recommended for use between the skin and the packer for comfort.
STPs (Stand to Pee packers) allow you to pee standing up whilst you’re wearing them. They’re hollow on the inside and should definitely be tried out at home first to avoid any accidents!
Pack and Play (or 2 in 1) packers can have rods inserted into them for sexual purposes, or bendable rods already inserted to create a bulge like a normal packer would.
Some packers are even 3-in-1, meaning they can be used for packing, peeing, and sexual activities, all with one packer. Inserting another piece like a rod would also have to be done with a 3-in-1 packer if you want to use it for sex.
Packers can be attached using different adhesive methods, but this could cause skin irritation, especially on warmer days. The more comfortable way of wearing a packer for some people is to use a Joey – a fabric pouch that a packer can be put inside, where the pouch is pinned to the inside of the underwear.
This way of using a packer is normally a lot more comfortable, and unlikely to cause any medical issues, unless you accidentally hurt yourself with the pin!
The US provides the most options for packers and packing pouches, but there are some online shops in the UK:
Whether you use a packer or not doesn’t make you any less trans, and packers aren’t always for everyone in the first place.
Clothes Shopping
It can be really difficult once you start transitioning to find clothes that actually fit the way you want them to, which can make it easier to pass in public, as well as lower dysphoria.
For trans men, clothes are normally either too long, too tight around the hips or chest, or loose but short. For trans women, some clothes or shoes can be too small.
Going clothes shopping can be a daunting process in itself at the start of your transition. If you’re feeling anxious about going clothes shopping, you can bring a trusted friend or family member with you to help you out.
They can help you with sizing, choosing between different kinds of clothes, and you could even ask them to use your card to pay for you if you’re feeling too shy to interact with the person behind the till.
You can also experiment with clothes by trying them on in the changing room. It might be a long process, but it’s worth it to find out what makes you most comfortable.
Options for buying clothes:
Trying them on in-store
Shopping online
Charity shops
Clothes swapping with friends and family
Tailoring
UK shops to buy clothes from:
There are many ways to deal with dysphoria, including changing your name and pronouns, packing, and clothes shopping.
What’s important is that you do what’s best for you, as not everything works for every trans person.
Transitioning can be an individual thing, as well as shared, and finding the balance between the two is difficult to get right. But if you keep going, things can eventually feel like they’re heading in the right direction.
