Coming Out
Coming out can be seen as this big, scary process, but it doesn’t have to be.
Coming out typically means telling people about your identity, whether that be sexuality or gender, and can be a gradual process that never really ends if you meet new people.
You should go at your own pace when first coming out, as there are many ways to do it, and not everyone needs to know right away, if that feels too overwhelming.
Coming out as trans can be a little bit different than coming out in terms of sexuality, as not everyone knows what it means to be trans, or what would need to change if a friend were to come out as trans.
Transitioning, for instance, is a bit more of an involved process, in terms of legal, medical, and social transitions. Here, we’re talking about socially transitioning specifically, but we do have other posts about the different ways of transitioning if you need help with those, too.
However you find that you identify – there’s not really a ‘right’ way to be trans, and that’s okay! Every identity deserves the same amount of respect from others as the more binary identities that people are more likely to know about, like male or female.
Not everyone knows that they’re trans from a young age, for example. Some people might figure it out far later in life and have to come out as an older adult, but the process is similar for most stages of life.
Telling Friends and Family
This is the first thing a lot of people do, as it eases you into telling other people that you might not know as well.
You don’t have to tell everyone at once, and you can even wait between telling certain groups of people or certain friends.
You might want to tell one person at a time, or tell a whole group of people at once. It’s really about what feels right to you.
You can do this in a number of ways:
Text
Messenger
Email
Letters
Sitting them down and talking to them in person
Getting a group of friends and family together and telling them all at once
Using resources from places like charities or organizations and sending those to friends and family, if you’re struggling with exactly what to say.
Whichever way you decide to tell people, there are a few things you might need to be prepared for beforehand.
People might have a lot of questions, and you might not have all the answers right away. In this case, you could direct them to videos by trans people that can explain things a bit easier than you feel you can. You could also send people to different websites that break down common misconceptions about trans people.
Some people might not understand right away, or might not react the way you expected or wanted them to.
This is a big change for a lot of people to figure out how to navigate, so it’s normal for friends and family to feel conflicted or confused when you first come out. It’s best to give them some time to go and do some research, talk to each other, and generally try to figure out what they feel like they can do to help your transition go as smoothly as possible.
On that note – you should only come out if it is safe to do so. I know that waiting to live your life as yourself is painful, but you should be in the most accepting environment as possible when you come out. Your safety is priority number one when you tell people about your identity, and if you feel like you could be in danger when you come out, it’s best to wait until you’re in a better environment before you tell people.
Which can be just as lengthy as transitioning in the first place, and I know that waiting for things to happen is incredibly frustrating. But sometimes, it is necessary.
Coming Out at School/College/University
There’s a bit more to think about when it comes to coming out to people who aren’t your friends and family.
When you’re coming out at school, the above advice is still useful, but there’s also classmates and teachers to think about on top of it.
Classmates will find out about you being trans if you change your name legally using a Deed Poll, or if you change your appearance and it’s very different to what you usually look like.
Young people and teenagers can sometimes be cruel, so you might have to prepare for any negative reactions or invasive questions you might get.
The way I did it, was to do a lot of politely correcting people if they got my new name and pronouns wrong, to ignore anyone who was clearly mean on purpose, and to answer (some) questions from people who were genuinely polite but curious.
I set my boundaries, but it took some time to figure out exactly what those were.
It’s up to you to deal with people how you feel is best, and not everything I did may be the way you want to handle things, but they are options.
Telling adults or teachers can be a bit more anxiety-inducing, so the best way for them all to find out is to tell a teacher you trust, maybe a head of year, and ask them to send out emails or set up a meeting with all of your teachers, and tell them for you.
It takes the stress out of telling each individual teacher, as well as waiting to see their reactions.
From personal experience – there might be teachers who do not accept your identity and treat you differently because of it. In front of the whole class.
That’s discrimination, and you’re well within your right to complain to the head of year. Complain enough times and maybe them talking to your teacher will make some sort of difference.
It might take a while, but the only adult in the room looking down on you and discriminating against you can really take its toll – and nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
If your parents are supportive of your identity, sometimes escalating things to that level can be useful, too.
However, I kept to myself and out of the way a lot, so there are many ways of dealing with different situations depending on how difficult they are.
Coming Out at Work
Similar to coming out at school:
You can tell people in person, via email, texts, group messaging, and one-on-one depending on your needs.
Reactions vary depending on who you tell, some people deserve the benefit of the doubt if they react badly but really just need time to adjust. If someone is being outright transphobic or never changes their negative behavior after you tell them they’re making you uncomfortable, it might be best to cut them off.
Sometimes you need to set your boundaries early and try not to let other people cross them, this can be difficult but will help you gain more control of any negative situations as well as stay on top of your mental health.
Unfortunately, if your boss and other people react incredibly badly, you’ll find that a lot of trans people have to switch jobs or even job sectors if things get especially transphobic. This doesn’t happen as much as it used to but is something you should plan for anyway.
Complaining to higher ups sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t. It really depends on the employer and the situation.
Coming out at work can be a little bit different from school – because if it goes wrong you could lose more than just friends or family.
It’s harsh just how wrong things can go, which is why you should try to have a support system in place for when you come out.
Having already told friends or family is useful in this sense, as you never know what might happen if you suddenly have to change jobs or quit your current job altogether. You might need to rely on others sometimes, which can happen at any point in life in general, but is especially important during times of turmoil or difficulty.
Coming Out Is a Process
And it might take a while. It might also be mentally draining at the start, but it does get easier over time as you learn more about your identity and what you want from telling other people.
Coming out resources:
