Tips and Resources for Allies
It might be confusing at first to know what the correct language or terminology is to use around trans people. That’s why we’re here to give you some useful tips and general ‘rules’ to follow, although every situation is different and these tips can’t possibly cover everything there is to know about being a good ally.
In general, being an ally of trans and LGBT+ people is something that can help make society more accepting and safer for those who are different, as well as helping to lower misinformation and spread the right information instead.
Tips:
Don’t assume all trans people are a certain sexuality – Sexuality is separate from gender, and trans people can have all the same variations of sexuality as cis people can.
If you’re unsure of somebody’s pronouns, just ask – Take them aside privately and ask them what pronouns they use, as this means you won’t be asking what can sometimes be a personal question in front of a larger group of people. Doing that could be anxiety-inducing for the trans person as it might draw too much attention to them or their identity, and it’s more polite to ask someone questions like these in a more private space.
Don’t ask a trans person what their old name used to be – That’s known as a deadname, and can cause a wave of gender dysphoria or discomfort for a trans person when thinking about it, or if somebody else brings it up. A deadname isn’t something you need to know about, even if you’re just genuinely curious, as it can have negative connotations of a past that a person would rather not remember, or maybe just an old life that they feel is better left behind.
Coming out as trans can be different to coming out as not straight – Not everyone will tell you that they’re trans, either for safety reasons, for fear of other people treating them differently or deciding that their gender isn’t ‘real,’ or because it’s just different telling someone you’re trans compared to telling them you’re not straight. Transitioning is a very involved process that involves a multitude of transitions, medical, social, and legal, compared to sexuality which is more of just a social transition.
Don’t out anyone who comes out to you – They’ve decided to trust you with this personal information, but that doesn’t mean you can just tell anyone that asks, or anyone you want to tell. This can be dangerous for the trans person, as trans people often lose their homes, jobs, partners or lives because of intolerant people in the world who the trans person might not have wanted to know in the first place.
Terminology – A lot of new words and phrases might be confusing to someone who wants to be an ally, but doesn’t quite know how to start. However, you should still try to use whatever terminology a trans person uses for themselves, even if it’s unconventional or surprising or outside of the gender binary. You can learn more about LGBT+ terms from our Glossary.
Give someone who is questioning their identity time to figure it out – Gender and sexuality are fluid and can change all the time, so if someone tells you to use a certain name or pronouns, but this changes later on – try to be understanding of their changing identity as they figure out more and more about who they are.
Transitioning isn’t as simple as you might read about online – For instance, it’s not the same for every trans person. Not everyone will start hormones, change their name or pronouns, or get surgery. And there isn’t one single surgery that a trans person can get to suddenly change their entire body overnight, as many people seem to assume there is, or that it’s that easy. There isn’t a right or wrong way to transition, so don’t ask questions about if someone’s getting or has had ‘the surgery,’ (questions like that can also be offensive) as not everyone even has access to medical care or can pursue medical care due to other health reasons. Finance may also play a role. You don’t have to have had any medical interventions to be trans, so if someone says they are, but they haven’t had any medical treatment, take them at their word that they’re trans, because they are.
Backhanded compliments – You might be trying to be nice and supportive, but there are certain things that are actually insulting instead of being a compliment. ‘I would never have guessed you’re trans, you’re so attractive.’ ‘You look so much like a real woman/man.’ ‘I’d still date you.’ These things can be insulting because you’re suggesting that being trans is something that’s obvious, or something that makes someone less attractive or not ‘real’ as the gender they identify as.
Challenge transphobic behaviour if you see or hear it in public and online – A lot of people like to make jokes or transphobic comments when they think there aren’t any trans people around, or in spite of any trans person in the room. Sometimes people make jokes and don’t realize they’re harmful. You should challenge anything you hear so that any trans people around know that you’re safe and trustworthy, and so that people who say transphobic things get the message that it’s not okay to do that.
Be supportive of gender-neutral toilets – Trans people often feel safer in gender-neutral toilets if male and female toilets don’t match how they feel on the inside, but also be visibly supportive of trans people using the toilets that match their gender identity. Trans people are not dangerous when they use the toilet that matches their gender identity, contrary to transphobic myths that get spread around the internet, and it is not dangerous to allow them to do so.
From Glaad:
Support all-gender public restrooms - Some transgender and gender non-conforming people may not feel like they match the signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses, and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or all-gender restroom options. Make it clear that transgender and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.
Help make your company or group truly trans-inclusive - "LGBTQ" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, and transgender people under the same acronym. If you are part of a company or group that says it's LGBTQ-inclusive, remember that transgender people face unique challenges, and that being LGBTQ-inclusive means truly understanding the needs of the trans community and implementing policies that address them.
At meetings and events, set an inclusive tone - In a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of using gendered language. For example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the space are not already all-gender, ask if it's possible to put an all-gender sign on them. In some circumstances, where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their names and pronouns. For example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I use he/him pronouns." Start with yourself and use a serious tone that will discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. However, if you feel this practice will have the effect of singling out the trans people in the room or putting them on the spot, avoid it. Remember, it costs cisgender people nothing to share their prounouns, but for trans people it can be a very serious decision.
Listen to transgender people - The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transgender people speaking for themselves. Follow thought leaders in the transgender community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and trans blogs to find out more about transgender people and the issues people within the community face.
Learn that transgender people are not new - Transgender people have existed across cultures and throughout time and history. What is new is the heightened awareness of gender diversity and the transgender community because of increased media attention in the last few decades. However, much of these media stories have speculated and projected about the experiences of transgender people rather than aggregating from first-hand accounts. DISCLOSURE, a documentary film on Netflix directed by Sam Feder and executive produced by Laverne Cox, surveys the history of trans representation in TV and film using archival footage and interviews with 30 trans advocates and artists working in the entertainment industry--revealing how media has deeply influenced public perception, policy, and understanding of trans people. Watch the documentary to understand how TV and film have taught trans and cis people how to feel about this community.
Know your own limits as an ally - Don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful. Seek out the appropriate resources that will help you learn more. Remember being an ally is a sustained and persistent pattern of action; not an idle or stable noun.
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