The Right Way to Treat a Trans Person
When you first find out that someone is trans, it might be difficult to know how to treat them.
But there are also some more obvious things that you shouldn’t say or do, that you wouldn’t even think of doing to a cis person, because cis people and trans people will have different life experiences in terms of how society treats them. It shouldn’t be like that, but for now, it is.
We’ll work on that.
Name and Pronouns
Let’s use dogs as an example.
When someone meets a dog for the first time, they’ll usually say something like, ‘She’s adorable, how old is she?’
‘He, actually.’
‘Oh, sorry, he’s adorable…’
That’s it. That’s all you need to do for a trans person.
I’m not comparing us to dogs, trans people aren’t animals. But, you get my analogy.
Sidenote – why is it so easy for people to correct themselves when they get the gender of an animal wrong, but suddenly the most difficult thing in the world when it comes to people? It shouldn’t be, but it probably comes down to a lack of knowledge about trans people. Or sometimes a lack of respect.
I’m not saying that it’s always because of ill intent, but it can be.
If you accidentally misgender a trans person, all you need to do is apologize, and correct yourself.
You don’t need to make it a big thing, or all about you, by saying something like ‘Oh God, I’ve been trying so hard with this, it’s just so difficult, you know? I’m finding it really complicated, can I just use your old pronouns/name until I get the hang of it?’
No. Don’t do it! It’s hurtful to use somebody’s old name and pronouns, even if you do it by accident.
I understand that it is difficult. You’re adjusting to calling someone something different, someone who you might have known for so many years. It’s sometimes even harder if it’s a sibling or a parent.
And it’s okay to be honest about it if you are finding it difficult. Just don’t make that the focus of an apology about accidentally saying the wrong name or pronouns. Shelve that conversation for another time. Don’t make yourself the focus, either.
Just keep trying, and eventually you’ll get it right.
Intrusive Questions
Being trans is certainly different from coming out in terms of sexuality.
Sexuality doesn’t involve multiple types of transitions, such as legal or medical, like being trans does. They’re just two different things, where trans people have different needs in terms of our bodies and how we get them to match our brains.
But that doesn’t give anybody the right to ask intrusive questions about how we go the toilet, if we’ve had ‘the surgery,’ (spoiler – there’s more than one), how we have sex, or anything like that.
If you’re confused, or interested, Google is a good friend. Not one hundred percent foolproof, though.
There are some websites that aren’t trustworthy and don’t provide accurate information. But if the answer is written by a trans person, usually it’s a little more accurate.
The difference is that if you’re asking someone you know in real life, you’re kind of backing them into a corner.
If you ask the internet, then you’re asking someone who has decided to willingly give that information out. They have made that choice for themselves.
But when you’re in a group of people and suddenly you spring out the question ‘hey, do you want… [name a genital]?’ then you’ve gone too far.
Find a subreddit, like r/asktransgender, or surf a trans subreddit and put your question into the search bar, without actually making a post. Just read what trans people say without getting involved, unless a subreddit like r/asktransgender allows you to get involved.
There are also websites like DMC, that sometimes have a FAQ or a post on Common Questions, or have people willing to answer questions in the comments.
But getting too invasive and asking these kinds of questions at all is, in general, something you should avoid doing. Because how would you, genuinely, feel if someone asked you intimate questions about your sex life, or how you go the toilet? It doesn’t feel very good, does it?
It’s similar to walking up to a disabled person and asking ‘what happened?’ ominously as they’re just going about minding their own business. Don’t do it.
I realize that I might be coming across a little harsh, and I don’t mean to scare away cis people who just want to be helpful, or an ally. But sometimes you have to be harsh to get your point across.
The point being that we’re just people, and you should treat us with the same respect you would a loved one, a partner, or a family member.
Being Outed
This one is very important.
If someone comes out to you, don’t assume that you now have free reign to go and tell everyone else about it.
It’s better to just ask if other people know, or keep this new information to yourself, for the safety of the trans person who has decided that you’re trustworthy enough to know about their identity.
Coming out to anyone, whether that be sexuality or gender or anything else, can be a dangerous thing to do.
Sometimes, it can even get you killed.
I’m serious. Just existing as a trans person can get you beaten up, or assaulted, or any number of things that a cis person doesn’t have to worry about just because they’re cis. It can get teenagers kicked out and made homeless. Anything could happen.
Obviously, I’m not saying that cis people don’t have to worry about these things ever, but just being cis doesn’t make the likelihood of these things happening any higher. But it does increase the chances of getting hurt in various ways if you’re trans.
Being outed can happen in many situations, and is very, very scary to experience. Especially if you find out about it after the fact.
Such as family members telling significant others, or a friend of a friend, of even a partner telling their parents. A teacher telling a child’s parents.
It’s not up to you to make that decision for us.
It breaks down trust in any type of relationship if you tell someone something, and they tell someone else without asking for your permission. I think we can all relate a little bit to that.
What To Do Instead - A Summary
Remember that every trans person is different. We all have different needs and we don’t all want to be treated the exact same way. So, if in doubt, ask.
Respect us, even if you don’t understand us. Being trans is not an easy thing to get. Sexuality is easier, because it’s who you’re attracted to. But even then, there can be misunderstandings. Gender is different and can be complicated in its own way.
But even if you don’t get it, you can be respectful of it.
Use our name and pronouns. You’re allowed to make mistakes. But just apologize, and try again.
These can differ for every trans person, so the best way to be a good ally is to take aside the trans person, and ask them what they would like you to use. Don’t do it in front of a group of people, as this can draw attention to it and make the trans person feel uncomfortable.
Don’t ask intimate questions that you wouldn’t want to be asked. If it’s not information you need to ask, like name and pronouns, then you probably shouldn’t ask it. Things like surgeries and deadnames (the birth name of a trans person, not our ‘real’ name, just our old one that we don’t use anymore), are not need-to-know information for the average person. They can even be painful to think about or upsetting, such as old photos or, again, deadnames.
If you wouldn’t want to be asked it, it’s good practice to just not ask other people, either.
Don’t out a trans person. Telling other people can be dangerous, and should be up to the trans person in question about who they choose to share this private information with. Don’t assume that because they told you, you can tell everyone else. It might not be safe, and we may also be subject to discrimination because of our identities. It’s also just plain disrespectful.
Show your support. Correct others if they use the wrong name or pronouns. Don’t allow cruel jokes to slide if someone is ‘making fun’ of trans people. It allows them to think that what they’re doing is okay, when actually, it turns us into a joke, and lets people continue to treat us as lesser. When really, we just want the same respect that everybody else gets.
Lastly, I know that this might seem like we’re asking for a lot. And it is a lot to learn if you’re new to trying to be an ally. Just take your time as you learn about it, and don’t beat yourself up when you make genuine mistakes.
This is a learning process for us all, but as long as you’re trying to be respectful and inclusive, you’re helping make the world easier for people like me, who just want to exist as who we really are, same as the rest of the world.
