Pronouns and Neopronouns
Everyone uses pronouns, not just trans people.
Literally, everyone has them. They’re not new, and they don’t have to be difficult to use.
It might sound harsh, but what I mean by that, is that it costs nothing but patience to use someone’s new pronouns. It’s also a way of showing respect for the people in your life that you care about.
Not just that, but respect for anyone you meet in life.
It might not be easy to change the pronouns you use for someone, but it’s what’s best for their wellbeing. It’s also something you should do if you plan to keep them in your life - if you keep using the wrong pronouns, eventually, they won’t take it anymore.
Most people will have only heard of pronouns, but not neopronouns.
We’re here today to get into both types of pronouns, including what they are, as well as examples of how to use them. This is especially useful for people who are new to gender identity and need somewhere to start.
Or for someone who wants to refresh themselves on this particular topic, like I want to for myself.
What Are Pronouns?
Pronouns are a way of talking about someone without using their name. You might also use pronouns to refer to someone if you don’t yet know their name, such as a stranger or a person you’re about to meet for the first time.
Some people use multiple pronouns, such as he/they, instead of just he/him.
There are more ‘basic’ pronouns that everybody’s heard of. This includes he/him or she/her. These pronouns are typically used for men and women, and are linked to masculinity and femininity in terms of gender stereotypes and gender expression.
They/them pronouns are a gender-neutral way of referring to someone. They can also be used when you don’t know the gender of the person you’re referring to.
Sometimes people struggle with the idea that they/them pronouns can be used to refer to just one person instead of multiple.
The common misconception that they/them pronouns can’t be used for a singular person is misleading and incorrect. People use they/them pronouns in this way all the time, and the English language is always evolving to be inclusive of different types of people and to match the way society continues to evolve.
The discussion around the use of they/them pronouns often comes up when we talk about trans people. You might notice that it’s never been an issue before, and nobody’s ever made it an issue when using it to refer to cis people.
For a very long time, people have said things like ‘They’re cute.’ ‘They don’t know her.’ ‘I know them.’
See, not so hard, is it?
And I don’t mean to be condescending. Pronouns can be difficult to learn for the first time, and even harder to keep up with as they change throughout history.
But in recent years, pronouns have been attached only to trans people, as if cis people don’t need or use them as well. Things like neopronouns especially have been used to make fun of us, or as an excuse to take our existence less seriously.
So, when I say it’s not hard to use the pronouns people ask you to use, I mean that it’s not hard to try. It’s not hard to be respectful of things that are different to what you’re used to.
Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You’re here reading about pronouns because you want to avoid those mistakes, and learn how to use them properly, right?
To me, that means that you want to be open-minded and accepting of things that you might find difficult to understand. This can be a scary step for some people to take, to learn about something that seems like it has a lot of history, and I appreciate you for trying to learn more about this subject.
Now that you have a bit more information about pronouns, it’s time to get into something a little more complicated.
Neopronouns
I will admit that I don’t have a lot of personal experience with neopronouns. I don’t know anyone in real life who uses them. But if I did, then I would use them without hesitation.
I would try my best anyway, even if the inevitable mistake slipped out at some point.
When it comes to making mistakes, the best thing to do is apologise, and move on. Making it all about you, or trying to apologise so much that you dig yourself into a hole, isn’t helping anyone.
You can also forgive yourself for making mistakes with pronouns, because you can always try again later and continue to be better.
Neopronouns can be used in a similar way to they/them pronouns. They are often used for people who prefer to be referred to in a more gender-neutral way.
Some people use neopronouns because they haven’t found any other pronouns that fit their identity, as neopronouns are incredibly malleable and can be made from existing words, including words that are less tied to stereotypical forms of gender expression.
Examples of neopronouns include ze/zir, ze/hir, and xe.
This guide is useful for learning how to use these pronouns in conversation. If you’re unsure of how to pronounce them, just ask the person you’re trying to refer to what they prefer.
Sometimes you won’t know that someone uses neopronouns. They might not feel like they’ll be taken seriously if they tell anyone, or maybe they’re just not ready to tell you in particular.
It can also be dangerous to tell someone your pronouns, especially if you’re trans or gender non-conforming. This means that it’s hard to know exactly how many people use neopronouns, because not everyone will feel safe enough to be open about it.
As an ally, the best thing you can do is make it known that you support trans people, as well as other LGBT+ people in general.
Be confident in correcting others if they use the wrong pronouns for a friend or loved one, shut down cruel jokes, and always ask someone what their pronouns are if you’re unsure.
If you’re asking someone about their pronouns, make sure to ask them in private. It can be nerve-wracking being asked such a personal question in front of a big group of friends or colleagues!
As a cis person (the opposite of what it means to be trans), you have the power to help change how other people perceive us. You’re also not in the same type of danger for showing that you support us, whereas for trans people, coming out can mean the loss of friends, family, or even life.
Learn more about pronouns here, and neopronouns here.
Here are examples of mistakes you can make when using pronouns, and how best to correct them.
